Having Kids

Paul Graham’s essay Having Kids describes how parenthood transformed his perspective completely.

Initial Reluctance

Graham admits he initially feared parenthood, viewing parents as “uncool” and dull. His observations were biased—he only noticed children during chaotic moments like airplane flights, missing the quieter joyful experiences.

Selection Bias in Perception

His pre-parenthood judgments were flawed. He’d only witnessed difficult parenting scenarios in public spaces, not the “great moments parents had with kids” that occur privately and quietly at home.

Unexpected Joy

Parenthood brought frequent moments of contentment—during bedtime routines, park visits, or simple togetherness. Children became genuine friends and interesting companions, not merely sources of obligation.

These peaceful moments occur “several times a day” rather than rarely.

Trade-offs with Ambition

Graham acknowledges real costs: reduced productivity and scheduling constraints. Work must fit predetermined times rather than flowing spontaneously.

Having kids may diminish personal ambition since “attention is a zero-sum game,” yet he questions whether shallow ambitions deserve protection.

My Takeaway

Despite missing certain freedoms, he experiences more actual happy moments with children than before—even counting moments rather than potential happiness.